"I don't want to be brave Mommy!"

This is what Carter said to me the other day while I was changing his colostomy bag. For those that are unaware or just beginning to follow our journey, Carter has had a colostomy bag since he was 24 hours old. There is a wafer that adheres to his skin. This wafer typically has to be replaced every 3 days. Recently though we have been lucky to get 24 hours out of a wafer. As you can imagine this is causing Carter's skin to become very irritated and sensitive. It is a lot like ripping a band-aid off over and over in the same spot. Eventually his skin breaks down and becomes very painful. The other day I had to do another wafer change and it had only been 12 hours since we had done the last one. Carter was getting very worked up before I did it. I told him I needed him to be brave and I would work as fast as my hands would allow. His response? "I'm tired! I don't want to be brave Mommy!" I immediately wanted to swoop him into my arms and tell him "It's OK. We don't have to. Let's just go cuddle or play or eat enormous amounts of cookies. Whatever makes you happy my child. Whatever will take the pain away!!"  I was quickly snapped back into reality and instead had no words for my child. I choked back the tears that began to fill my eyes and did what I had to do. I began to rip that band-aid of a wound AGAIN! As he shook and screamed in pain, I told myself there was a reason for this.Right?? 

After we were finished I wrapped him up in my arms and held him close for a long while. He snuggled his sweet face into my neck so gently whispered to me "I Love you Sooo Much Mommy!" I melted. He was telling me I know you love me and that is why you do what you do. So wise this little guy...so wise!!

Later that day during my quiet time with the Lord, this scenario kept coming to my mind. I poured my grieving heart out. To be honest, I threw myself a pity party. Thankfully no one but myself was invited to this party! It was not a pretty sight. As I cried out to the Lord, through all that I saw as "unfair", I could feel him beginning to quiet my panicked and angry heart. I could feel a peace fill in those dark places. I could hear him saying..."I know it isn't fair my child, but hold out and endure through this. Please know there is a purpose! A purpose to your pain and a purpose to Carter's pain. It isn't easy, but draw close to me!" I wanted to shout back and say "But God...I DON'T WANT TO BE BRAVE! I'M TIRED!!" How many times have we thought or uttered these words? How many times have we wanted to say ENOUGH!? 

As I thought about all this I began to realize how much God loves me. How much he loves Carter. I would give anything to take away Carter's daily pain. To tell him it's OK you don't have to be brave. But I also know that through all this and through all these times my sweet innocent 2 year old has had to muster up bravery beyond words of explanation....he is better for it. There is purpose in ripping off that band-aid and purpose in the pain. As uncomfortable as it is, purpose. 

The same can be said for the trials we walk through in life. Are we going to choose to say.."God I don't want to be brave! But I will allow this to make me a better person! I will trust you. But please Lord hold me close." Wow, that is much easier said than done. I'm glad I am not alone on this walk though. Those times when I feel tired and anything but brave, I have a  Lord who will be brave for me. Who will hold me close and walk me through troubled times. He conquered the grave. He has overcome death and given life!! There is hope in the darkness. PURPOSE!!!

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-14

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25

You Never Let Go lyrics

by Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

(Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Profoundly moved....Profoundly changed

So I caved and I started a blog! I had been debating for a while on whether or not I should start, after some people had encouraged me to. I was not sure I had a purpose to my writing or a reason people would want to read, other than to hear an update about Carter. While you need not panic, you will definitely hear plenty about Carter through this blog, I do not want it to only be about an "update" on Carter. So then it got me thinking...what could I write about??

God has taken me on a while ride in the last 5 1/2 years. Carter may be my only biological child, but on July 22, 2006 when I made a commitment and promise to Dave, I also gained a beautiful brown eyed daughter, Rylee Paige. I have journeyed through many ups and downs of being a step-mom and I am still continued to walk this very delicate path. 2 1/2 years ago, I had an incredible miracle enter my life. Carter Michael is a handsome little guy full of so many little boy antics. While he may be "different"and have more to overcome than a normal toddler, nothing has stopped him yet. I have been walking a path of many fears, failures, tragedies, triumphs, miracles and blessings as a mother to a special needs child. Many things on this beautiful adventure of motherhood have profoundly moved me and profoundly changed me forever.

So I guess tonight I want to ask...what has profoundly moved you and therein profoundly changed you? What is it you feel called to? What is it that gives you hope in discouragement...peace in the fire...joy in the tears?

My relationship with the Lord has profoundly moved me to emotions and strength I never knew I had. I know that some of you reading this blog, may be rolling you eyes right now. And for that...please know I do not want to "cram" anything on you, but simply want to stand up and shout praises for where God has and is continuing to take me. My love for Rylee has grown through my relationship with the Lord. He has given me patience and understanding when I have none. He has brought incredible joy and laughter into a relationship that many times is strained by a disconnect. He has put such a compassionate and loving heart into this sweet 9 year old, which has many times reminded me why he called me to be Rylee's step-mom. The road is anything but easy...but profoundly moving.

The strength to carry on through the most difficult days of caring for Carter, have come through God alone. The peace in the darkest nights have come through God. The blessings of unspeakable joy and and hope, when the walls are caving in, have come through God. Right now I have a tiny angel asleep next me. A little boy that at first was given little hope. A toddler that has overcome great obstacles in his short life. A fighter who was told he couldn't and showed the he could indeed! All this has been made possible from something bigger than just ourselves. From a loving, caring and so very compassionate God. The journey is anything but easy...but profoundly moving.

And through this profoundly moving journey of motherhood....I am forever profoundly changed. My help is in the Lord! He makes the most ugly and despairing of situations, into something so beautiful we can't comprehend. He takes us on a beautiful adventure called life. Are we going to trust him through it? Cause' believe me...I know...it ISN'T easy, but it is so WORTH it.

 Philippians 3:^12-14 (NIV) "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"